Bad Days and Birthdays
by Barddoc1992
Summary: The crew finds out what really happened to Shepard as a teenager on Mindoir-and in their own way, they want to help. Immediate follow up to "Heads, Hearts, and Hand-to-Hand." M for violence, attempted but prevented rape, and heavy swearing in Chapters 2, 3, and 5, which deal with Mindoir most closely. Everything else is set up and after effects, with some occasional swearing.
1. April 14, 2185 Early Morning

**Note:** This multi-part story takes place over one day, and it uses a time stamp at the beginning of each chapter. That time stamp uses military time, based on a 24-hour clock, which does NOT start over again with 1 after 12 noon. Therefore, 9:50 am is 0950, 1:00 pm is 1300, and 8:30 pm is 2030. Because this is Mass Effect, I made up Alliance Standard Time (AST) in the place of Zulu Time or Coordinated Universal Time (UTC).

**Standard Disclaimer: Everything Mass Effect is owned by BioWare, and I receive no financial benefit from this fanfiction. **

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14 April 2185

0807 AST (Alliance Standard Time)

All the squad members were waiting in the conference room for their usual "here's the plan for today" meeting, but Shepard wasn't anywhere to be found. She had skipped her usual early-morning workout, didn't join the group for breakfast in the mess, hadn't dropped by to visit Joker or Kelly, and had missed an appointment for a checkup in med bay. She was ignoring calls to her omnitool, and not even Miranda knew where she was. EDI would only say that Shepard was still onboard the Normandy but had asked to be left alone until the mission briefing.

For their commander to be acting so out of character, as well as out of sight and out of contact, had everyone a bit on edge. Jack was more antagonistic than usual, clearly waiting for someone to say something she could pounce on and sneer at. Garrus and newest squad member Tali kept exchanging worried looks. Well, in Tali's case, her body language conveyed the concern that the mask of her environmental suit couldn't. Even Thane was not his usual still and stoic self, as occasional small body movements betrayed his uneasiness.

"I say we go find her," urged Grunt, slamming his two huge fists into each other with a loud, meaty "thunk." He didn't handle tension well, especially when it came to his quasi-mother and role model. "Maybe Shepard is testing us, and we are failing her by just standing around." He started moving resolutely toward the exit.

Zaeed shifted to intercept him and was saved from probable bodily injury when Shepard suddenly arrived in the doorway. She merely lifted an eyebrow at the adolescent krogan and gestured with her chin to his usual spot at the table. He looked down and scuffed his feet like a small child caught misbehaving before shuffling back to his place.

She walked to the head of the table without further eye contact with anyone. "My apologies," she simply said, while looking down at the mug of tea in her hand. She continued more softly, "Today is never a good day." She offered no other excuse or explanation for her disappearance or her tardiness.

She raised her head and seemed more herself as she got the meeting underway. Asking EDI to activate the conference table's 3D display, she took the squad through the typical preliminaries: describing the system in which they had arrived very early that morning, any unusual readings the Normandy's scanners might have picked up, and the planets that looked promising for the resources they needed.

The briefing was proceeding normally after its late start except that Shepard was pale, almost chalky, and was not at all her usual energetic self. While delivering the system info, she hesitated a couple of times as if she had lost her focus and needed a moment to regroup. Her squad shot confused and concerned looks at her and at each other, some shrugging and shifting uncomfortably.

When Shepard failed to notice the squad's unrest, the anxiety in the room increased even more. Mordin went so far as to turn on his omnitool medical scanner and point it her way under the table. Whatever readings he received must have been reasonably normal, as he glanced at Miranda and shook his head in a negative.

But something was clearly wrong. Even when she was injured in an explosion nine days earlier, the commander had done her best to hide any pain from them, and she appeared to recover quickly. The trip to Haestrom to pick up Tali had turned into a real fire fight, and a mission soon afterward involving Jacob's father wasn't much easier, but Shepard hadn't taken any significant damage in either location. And since that last combat, three full days of travel and occasional resource scanning had left everyone feeling well-rested and raring to go.

Everyone except Shepard.

"Okay, to recap, if the scans of this system's second and third planets detect easily accessible resources—and it seems likely they will—we'll drop off an ore extraction team on each planet." Shepard took another one of those odd pauses, staring intently at the 3D image of the third planet, Trident, a human colony world. She shook herself a bit before proceeding, "I need two volunteers to escort the teams. You all know how this guard duty works, just the usual precautions."

The veteran mercenary and the young krogan both nodded; they were typically the two most eager to get off ship after a few uninterrupted days in space. "Thank you," Shepard acknowledged as she made notations on a datapad.

"Just remember, Grunt," she continued, "you are planetside to provide backup if your mining team needs help. You are not there to hunt down the biggest indigenous predator you can find. And Zaeed, no recreational beverages or fraternization—of any kind—until you are back on ship and officially off duty."

She waited until eye contact with each soldier indicated that her messages had been received.

"Now to the last but most important item of business," she announced. "EDI, shift the map to focus on the second planet. Thank you. Kopis, this planet's moon, right here, is the most likely location for missing scientists Cayce and O'Loy, according to the evidence we recovered from their other research sites. Cerberus wants their final notes and any prothean artifacts they might have uncovered."

Shepard looked around the room at her squad. "The other missions tracking these two men didn't involve any extra-vehicle combat, mostly just tracing their steps in the Hammerhead. This might be a repeat." Various groans and complaints followed this statement, with "Oh, gods, not the Hammerhead" and "Please, nobody let Shepard drive" among the most audible.

Shepard flashed the barest hint of her usual smile at the teasing and continued, "Scans of this location, however, indicate excavation sites that extend underground into a cave system. So I want close-action specialists with me on this one, just in case we have to enter the caves and then run into resistance there. Geth presence is again a possibility, as on the earlier missions."

"Thane, your hand-to-hand skills and biotics might be needed," Shepard suggested. The drell gave her a small smile and a nod of acceptance.

"And Tali," she asked, "are you settled in and happy enough with the state of the Normandy's drive core to give your shotgun and drone Chiktikka some playtime?"

"Absolutely, Shepard. It will be fun to kill things with you again." This time, Tali's humor and affection for her old commander transcended the mask with no problem.

"Alright, then," the commander acknowledged. "I need to oversee the final planet resource scans for the next few hours, so the Kopis mission will not launch until this afternoon, after the mining teams are planetside."

"Shepard," Thane spoke up, placing his hands on the table and leaning his weight forward on them, "if the scientists are at risk of geth attack, they might be in need of rescue, with timeliness an issue."

"I appreciate your concern, Thane," and again Shepard faltered, with her attention apparently focused on Thane's hands, before coming back to herself with a small shake of her head, "but Cerberus has not heard from these men in some time, despite repeated attempts to contact them since this specific location was pinpointed." She concluded, "From all my intel, this mission is not a rescue, sadly, but a recovery operation." For a moment, she again seemed distracted.

"If there are no other questions, we will reconvene after lunch at 1300. By that time, we'll have more detailed scans of the excavation site, and we'll make any necessary mission adjustments and assign backup duties." She sent a look over to Grunt and Zaeed and informed them, "Be prepared for the possibility that the mining teams might be ready to leave the Normandy before lunch; otherwise, be here at 1300. Okay, you are all dismissed."

And then Shepard did something completely unexpected: she nodded, walked to the door, and left the room. Everyone's jaws dropped, figuratively at least. She always left these meetings last, taking time to say a word or two to everyone as they filed out ahead of her. Now her team was left to stare after her, and no one made a move to leave.

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	2. 0850, Mindoir Part 1

**Note: this chapter and next rated M for potential triggers. Please see main story summary.**

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0850 AST

"Okay, what the fuck is wrong with Shepard?" Jack complained, not without concern. "That was just freaky shit."

"I agree there is cause for worry," Samara added, somehow sounding both tranquil and troubled at the same time. "I detected no sign of lingering injury or physical illness, but the commander is clearly not herself."

"Health fine," Mordin concurred. "Readings within normal parameters overall, but stress indicators are slightly higher than normal for her. Mind not functioning with usual efficiency—problematic."

"I'm sure Shepard will be fine," Miranda sighed without sounding convinced or convincing. "I don't think she slept well the last several nights. She's probably just a little under the weather."

"That's bullshit, Cheerleader, and you know it!" Jack leapt at the opportunity to snarl at her favorite target. "You're just too damn self-absorbed to notice that Shepard is really messed up. She said something like 'today is never a good day.' What, do you think she just fucking hates Tuesdays or something?!"

Grunt joined in with his version of an amused chuckle: "Heh, heh, heh. Good one, painted human." Miranda turned an icy glare on Jack and started to leave the room, but Jacob put a hand out to stop her.

Tali had meanwhile turned on her omnitool and was looking up something. "Keelah," she muttered, "I always lose track of the Citadel and human calendars when I'm with the Migrant Fleet. Garrus, did you notice today's date?"

"The date?" Garrus repeated. Then he suddenly dropped his chin and closed his eyes, as if in pain. "Spirits, the anniversary. How could I forget? And her birthday, too. Damn."

"We missed her birthday?" Kasumi asked. "I mean, everyone likes a party now and then, but Shep wouldn't get this down and distracted over something like that. Would she?"

Just then the door opened to allow Joker into the conference room. "Um, EDI told me that an important meeting about Shepard was going on back here. Something is really off about her today." He sent a smirk to old friends Garrus and Tali before leaning back against a wall.

Thane welcomed the pilot with a slight nod and then stated with quiet certainty, "No, it is doubtful her birthday is the primary cause of her distraction. I believe the anniversary Garrus mentioned refers to the batarian slaver raid that destroyed the human colony of Mindoir. Fifteen years ago today."

"Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but the batarians have done a lot of really shitty things," Zaeed rasped, crossing his arms and shifting his weight onto his back leg. "What's so terrible about this particular attack?"

"For those of you, like Zaeed, who are less familiar with Shepard's history, Mindoir was the colony where she was born and raised," Miranda lectured, though with a slightly less acidic tone than usual. She used the table's display to call up old news footage of burning buildings, acres of destroyed crops, and rows of bodies. She continued more softly, "It's where she lost her family. I should have remembered."

Garrus took a deep breath. "The commander has shared some stories about growing up on Mindoir, but she's never discussed details of the actual attack. In fact, she's never directly mentioned the raid to me at all."

He glanced at Joker, who shook his head in a silent "no," and then looked over to Tali, who responded with, "Me neither. That she never acknowledges it makes it even stranger that she is now reacting this strongly and publicly. It's like this specific anniversary is somehow worse than the others."

Jacob cleared his throat before venturing, "I'm not even sure I really want to know, but just how bad was it? And how does her birthday fit into this? Is it today?"

"If I may assist," EDI suggested, as her blue sphere appeared at one end of the table, "Shepard's birthday occurred three days ago on April 11, to use the human calendar. She is now 31 years of age. The raid on Mindoir by a batarian slaver group took place three days after her sixteenth birthday. The destruction was near total, though the colony was rebuilt and resettled and today is quite stable and prosperous."

The images projected by the table display changed to planetary maps as EDI continued: "At the time of the attack in 2170, Mindoir had three primary settlements in these locations: Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos."

"Those are unusual names," Samara commented. "They sound almost asari, but Mindoir was and is a completely human colony."

"They come from the mythology of one of Earth's older cultures," Thane explained. "The names belong to three sisters called the Fates. Clotho is a spinner who creates the thread of life. Lachesis measures out a length of thread for every person born into the world. Atropos cuts a thread when a life must end." Samara nodded her head in thanks for the information.

"Shepard grew up on her parents' farm, but Atropos was the closest settlement and where she went to school," Garrus contributed.

"Does anyone else find it ironic," asked Joker, "that Shepard came from the town named for the death-dealer? No? Well, I think it's kind of weirdly appropriate. I'm sure the galaxy's bad guys would think so."

"Atropos was the largest of the three settlements," EDI informed them. "Including outlying farms in its vicinity, it had a total population of 4,753 at the time of the attack. Clotho had a combined population of 3,179, and Lachesis had 2,861. Batarians hit all three population centers simultaneously, and the two smaller locations were quickly overcome." The display shifted back to images of destruction.

"But in Atropos, Shepard's father was credited with rallying the citizens in an attempt to hold out until a response to their distress call could arrive. They managed to fight off the batarians for more than 30 hours until the Alliance cruiser SSV Einstein landed and the remaining slavers fled or were killed." The table display now included a holo of a man's Alliance civilian ID image. The data identified him as Patrick Alan Shepard; the red hair and green eyes confirmed the genetic link between father and daughter.

The AI concluded, "Although he himself perished, Patrick Shepard's efforts led to the survival of nearly 350 townspeople. Small pockets of other colonists who managed to hide in remote locations brought the survivor total for all three population centers up to 486, including Commander Shepard. Her mother and two sisters did not survive."

Jacob did some quick math in his head. "So out of roughly 10,800 colonists, less than 500 or 5% avoided capture and survived. Damn."

EDI provided more data. "Batarian slavers on raids typically weed out colonists too young, old, or disabled to sell at a profit and kill them outright. According to the survivors, those deaths accounted for slightly more than 10% of the total population. Another 25% were killed as part of the organized resistance in Atropos or because they individually fought capture enough to be considered troublesome. The remaining 60% were taken as slaves."

The room was quiet as the squad absorbed the numbers. Then Grunt, sounding as subdued as a krogan can get, tentatively asked, "So Shepard lost her entire clan?"

"That's about right, kid," Zaeed answered. "Nearly everybody and everything she knew her entire life was blown to hell in little more than a day. Happy fucking 16th birthday."

"Is more data available, EDI?" Mordin asked. When he noticed the appalled looks from around the room, he justified, "Might as well know it all. Too much data better than not enough."

"The additional information in my files is not part of the public record but was collected from various sources by Cerberus as part of Operation Lazarus," EDI informed the group. "Ms. Lawson must allow the release of this data."

"Fucking Cerberus," growled Jack.

For a moment Miranda seemed at a loss. She glanced at Jacob, who shrugged rather helplessly. Miranda then looked to Garrus, who took a slow, deep breath before saying, "It's your call. You know what this info is; I don't. But if…if you think it might provide something useful, without revealing private matters like medical or psych records, then I think, maybe, yes. Shepard clearly is struggling and needs our help."

Miranda still seemed uncertain. Her eyes paused on Samara, who simply gazed back with compassion, before settling on Thane. The drell cocked his head very slightly to one side, as if surprised that she wanted his input. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them to look back at Miranda.

"If Shepard has not yet shared this information with those closest to her, she has a reason." His eyes moved to Garrus, Joker, and Tali in turn. "But that reason might now be doing her more harm than good. And I do not think anyone present desires this information out of mere curiosity. The intentions here are honorable."

He paused for another moment, the blinking of his inner eyelids hinting at his discomfort with the role of arbiter. "I agree with Garrus, Ms. Lawson. Release it if you believe it will be helpful. But only you can know."

After a deep breath, Miranda said, "EDI, I authorize release of the information contained within Captain Sarah Walters' report on the Mindoir raid regarding Shepard's family, her survival, and her interaction with the Alliance crew of the Einstein in the immediate aftermath of the attack. Do not, however, release any of the evaluative reports filed after Shepard was examined by medical personnel aboard the Einstein or any later documents."

"Understood, Ms. Lawson," EDI intoned. "I will read aloud Captain Walter's report."

_SitRep, Mindoir Colony, Attican Traverse.  
__Post Batarian Slaver Raid. Survivor Interview with Morgan A. Shepard.  
__Filed 16 April 2170, 1800 AST._

_According to 16-year-old Morgan Shepard, her family was not together when raid began on 14 April 2170. Father Patrick and 18-year-old sister Caitlyn drove to settlement of Atropos to purchase supplies in early morning. Mother Hannah and 10-year-old sister Brenna together with Morgan remained home. Morgan was reading in a sturdy treehouse built by father for daughters and their friends about 300 yards from family home. Around mid-morning, mother opened family's private comm link to Morgan's omnibracelet and told her to hurry home. When Morgan entered farmhouse, mother explained that father had witnessed landing of first batarian ships on outskirts of settlement, on side closest to family farm, and had called home to warn them. _

_Mother shoved bag full of energy bars, fruit, and water tubes into Morgan's arms, told her to grab family's best distance rifle, load her pockets with ammo, and then run to treehouse and stay there along with younger sister. Mother would not have been able to climb rope ladder to access treehouse, which was 50 feet off ground. Mother instead took only weapon she could use, a basic handgun, and sought shelter in family's storm cellar, a subbasement room whose entrance through main basement floor was not easily seen or opened. Brenna refused to go with Morgan, insisting on remaining with mother. _

_By time Morgan left house, she could see smoke from multiple local fires. She arrived back inside treehouse and pulled up rope ladder. Immediately after, she heard a truck engine. She could see through rifle scope that local friend's large farm vehicle was pulling in front of home. Once parked, truck proved to contain at least six unconscious people imprisoned in back in wire cage meant for animal transport. Morgan was not positive on number of victims, might have been more. Two batarians exited vehicle. One started checking area around house. Other briefly inspected barn then set it on fire. _

_When he rejoined partner, they began circling house from opposite directions. Morgan whispered to mother over comm link to ask whether she should shoot batarians. Mother said no, unless batarians were so close together that Morgan could take one right after the other with no pause between. Otherwise second batarian would learn of Morgan's presence, would likely call in backup and begin looking for her. They would all be captured or killed if that happened. Morgan obeyed mother. Batarians took separate entrances into house, and Morgan was unable to attempt shots._

_Hannah Shepard whispered that batarians were in house. She reported their progress room by room until they reached basement and then discovered subbasement entrance. Morgan's omnibracelet recorded mother saying, "I love you very much. You must survive. Survive and live a wonderful life, sweetheart." Mother's goodbye was followed by two shots, also recorded. Morgan stated she assumed mother was now dead. She turned off omnibracelet so batarians would not be able to use her mother's bracelet and family's comm network to locate Morgan. _

_I, Captain Sarah Walters, eventually saw bodies of both Hannah and Brenna Shepard. It is my opinion that mother shot daughter in head at point blank range and then killed self by same method to avoid consequences of capture._

"Pause, please, EDI," Miranda requested, her voice huskier than usual. "I think some of us need a moment to process." Despite her foreknowledge of this report's contents, actually hearing EDI's voice describe how a young Shepard was unable to save her mother and sister was hitting the Cerberus operative hard. The few team members who knew about her sister Oriana and Shepard's assistance in stopping her kidnapping were not surprised.

"Keelah, for Shepard to hear that last message and then those shots…." Tali whispered, her voice a bit waterlogged. Kasumi's face was wet with tears though she didn't make a sound. Jacob reached out and squeezed her arm.

Garrus added, shaking his head, "I knew it must be bad, but, Spirits, to be there and not be able to stop it…"

Thane stood with his eyes closed and head bowed, lips moving slightly as if in prayer.

"That…that's just messed," Jack spouted, though without her usual aggression. "How could she do that to her own kid?"

"Why didn't they fight?" Grunt demanded. "Why would her mother choose to die a coward?"

"On the contrary, Grunt," came Samara's voice, still calm but sorrowful. "Shepard's mother was extraordinarily brave. She did fight the only way she could. She ensured the commander's safety and then refused to allow her to futilely endanger herself. And Jack, she saved her other daughter from slavery and countless years of torture and abuse. The batarians would have treated that child like an animal, and Hannah Shepard gave her death with dignity."

"So, she showed the courage to face death bravely," Grunt restated thoughtfully, "when the battle was unwinnable. The krogan would honor that."

"The whole situation is still fucked up," Jack declared but with little heat behind it.

"Can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing to keep a daughter from the batarians," Zaeed admitted. "Goddamn shame, a woman alone with a child to protect and no real way to defend herself—unless she risks the kid she got to safety. Helluva choice."

After giving everyone another few moments, Miranda began, "I don't know how to say this in a way that won't sound horrible…"

"Oh, there's a big surprise," sneered Jack, out of habit.

Miranda continued with scarcely a beat, "but it actually gets worse. If anyone feels the need to leave, I'm sure each of us would understand. I can provide a recap later."

"Shit," said Joker, going pale. "It gets worse?"

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	3. 0940, Mindoir Part 2

**Note: this chapter rated M for potential triggers. Please see main story summary.**

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0940 AST

Miranda glanced from person to person, giving each of them a chance to decide whether to stay or leave, and then stopped at the drell assassin. "Thane, with the way your memories work…."

"Shepard lived this attack, and she has lived since with these memories burned into her mind," he argued with more feeling than most of the team had heard from him before. "How can any of us who follow her risk less?"

"Alright," Miranda conceded with a nod. "EDI, please continue."

"Yes, Ms. Lawson. Here is the next section of the file."

_Morgan reported batarians spent approximately 15 minutes in house after shots were fired. When they exited into yard, they pulled bodies of Hannah and Brenna Shepard with them. Observing through rifle scope, Morgan saw them activate ear comms and believed they were in communication with other batarians. They appeared angry at orders they received. Communication ended. They did not move to burn house but did a sweep of hedges and trees around family yard. They did not travel far enough from house for Morgan to feel threatened. Batarians regrouped in yard and argued, leading to shoves. One seemed to give in. _

_They then bent over to straighten legs of two dead females and started to undress them. Morgan was confused until she saw one batarian rub himself. She vomited when she realized their intent. She took her rifle, sighted, planned her shots, but hesitated. It was her first time shooting something living; she was not sure she could do it. She knew missed shot would likely lead batarians to her location. She re-sighted, took deep breaths, and killed batarians with head shots, firing second shot before first one hit to allow no reaction time. Morgan vomited again._

_Morgan wanted to care for family members but knew she should not leave treehouse. It was well-hidden and would likely remain safe as long as breeze feeding barn fire stayed mild and did not reverse direction. She worried about father and other sister but knew attempting comm link over public networks to reach Atropos might give away her location or theirs, so she kept omnibracelet turned off. She was concerned if more batarians came that they might locate her by deducing bullet trajectory from head shots, but trauma seemed massive and one batarian was spun by bullet impact. She made herself eat but vomited again. _

Miranda had silent tears running down her cheeks but made no move to wipe them. She reached down to stroke the head of Kasumi, who had suddenly sat on the floor near Miranda's feet and now had her head pressed against her drawn-up knees, hood hiding her face.

Garrus moved closer to Tali, put an arm around her trembling shoulders, and placed her head against his chest.

Thane stood again with his head bowed and eyes closed, but his stance was noticeably tenser, his hands clenched.

Grunt looked confused, caught between the krogan desire to celebrate a young warrior's first victory over an enemy and an awareness of the pain everyone else was feeling. Zaeed glanced over his way. "That poor kid, defending the bodies of her mother and sister," he said softly. "Fucking amazing first kills, though." Grunt bobbed his head once and EDI resumed.

_After two hours, two more batarians arrived on foot, apparently looking for previous team. Morgan killed both using same method as before when their attention turned from dead team to human bodies. That cycle repeated two more times, with Morgan killing each new two-man team. Near sundown, a truck with four batarians arrived. They left bodies of Hannah and Brenna Shepard alone, loaded up bodies of eight fallen batarians, performed perfunctory and unsuccessful search for shooter, set house on fire, and left, taking truck driven by original team with still-unconscious victims in back with them._

"No kidding, she really killed eight of them?" asked Zaeed. "That's goddamn amazing, that is."

"Indeed," Mordin intoned. "STG would have been impressed."

_Morgan reported food would not stay down but she tried to keep sipping water. She catnapped through night, waking to check breeze direction and status of barn and house fires. After sunrise, Morgan was not sure whether batarians were still on planet. She wanted to find father and sister but decided to stay hidden for few more hours, using rifle scope to check for dust on roads, new fires, or other signs of ongoing activity. She admitted she did not know where she would go if she left treehouse as distance to Atropos from home was over 20 kilometers and other local farms appeared destroyed. As she was starting to plan hike into settlement, an Alliance rescue team arrived._

"That ends Commander Shepard's survivor interview," EDI explained to the group. "Captain Walters, however, appended additional relevant information culled from reports by other SSV Einstein crew members who were on the ground in Atropos. The addendum begins now."

_15 April 2170, approximately 1900 AST (1300 local time): the SSV Einstein set down on Mindoir just outside Atropos, having received colony distress message 31 hours earlier. Groups of colonists discovered holding off remaining batarian force. Batarians routed when Einstein's marines joined battle. More than 300 colonists saved by resistance effort. Survivors identified colonist Patrick Shepard as their organizer. His current location was unknown, but he was feared killed when his position was overrun three hours earlier as he had not been seen or heard from since. _

_Teams of three sent to outlying farms to search for other survivors. Team led by Lieutenant Adesh Roshan arrived Shepard farm at 2100 AST (1500 local time). Morgan Shepard recognized Alliance uniforms, turned on omnibracelet, and broadcast her location and personal ID on all available channels. While Roshan and Sergeant Kate Leighton tracked signal, Corporal Rudy Hess documented condition and position of Hannah and Brenna Shepard. He also documented evidence that a number of batarians had died or been seriously wounded in immediate vicinity of human bodies, though batarians had subsequently been dragged away and removed from site._

_When team members found treehouse, Morgan stated she was so cramped and stiff she wasn't sure she could walk, but she did manage to lower 50-foot rope ladder. Roshan sent Leighton, a medic, up the ladder to check on Morgan. Leighton reported Morgan's muscle cramps from lack of movement likely made worse by dehydration and mild to moderate shock. After administering medigel, Leighton was able to help Morgan stand then walk around treehouse to stretch muscles. After 15 minutes, Morgan was able to descend ladder. _

_Roshan could not convince Morgan to surrender her rifle. After seeing for himself evidence of rifle kills in area around human bodies, he allowed her to keep weapon upon verification that she had the safety engaged. Morgan would not leave area without bodies of family members, so Roshan ordered them loaded into back of transport and covered._

_Team returned to Atropos having found no other survivors in assigned area. Morgan was taken to tent where med teams assisted other survivors. She was treated for dehydration. She asked if other survivors from Atropos were in any other location. She was told odds were low._

"She still hopes her father is alive, doesn't she?" Tali lamented. Garrus stroked her back as he soothingly rumbled his answer, "I think she probably suspects, but she has to ask, has to know for sure."

_At about 2300 AST (1700 local time), Morgan heard Einstein crew members discussing difficulty of identifying dead. Morgan asked source of difficulty, learned batarians usually stripped items of value such as omnidevices and jewelry. Morgan said she had known Atropos residents and local farm families her entire life and she wanted to help. After crew consulted with ranking ground team officer Lieutenant Commander David McIntyre, Morgan was taken to tent where dead were being processed._

_Dead civilians from Atropos and nearby farms numbered nearly 1700, more than half of which were unidentified or unidentifiable. Morgan Shepard identified 371 bodies over the next seven hours and was especially helpful sorting dead into family groups. One family group was from farm closest to Shepard farm, and Morgan identified two teen boys as her best friends._

"Shit, shit, shit," Joker groaned, bringing one hand up to cover his face, "why would they let her do that? I mean, that's exactly her to volunteer, but who in their right mind says 'yes' to that when it's coming from a traumatized kid? And for seven hours? What were they thinking?"

"Quite so, Joker," Thane agreed in a taut tone, accompanied by a very low, vibrating growl that most of the other species around the table didn't seem to hear. Garrus shot him a worried glance and noticed that the drell's hands were in tight fists and starting to glow a faint blue.

Garrus issued his own low-frequency rumble until Thane made eye contact. The two friends looked at each other across the table for a few moments while Thane took a deep breath, then another, and slowly released his fists. His biotic charge dissipated. He made a very slight bow of thanks toward the turian. Garrus nodded in return and went back to looking at the display, which was now scrolling ID images and names of the known dead. EDI's voice continued the captain's report:

_When questioned as to wisdom of using a young survivor for this work, McIntyre reported that her unusual maturity and calm caused team to forget her age and personal connection to the events. _

_Morgan kept working until she suddenly fell to her knees in front of a newly uncovered body. She waved away help and asked that adjacent body also be uncovered. She then identified bodies of her father Patrick and sister Caitlyn. Both were dead from single shots to head at point-blank range, an apparent mercy killing and suicide as their position was overrun. Morgan refused to leave family and, apparently for first time since attack, broke down in tears and could not stop. After 15 minutes she was carried from area, given a mild sedative, and put on transport to SSV Einstein._

_Personal note by Captain Sarah Walters: While I find the ground team's disregard of Morgan Shepard's age and circumstances to be callous in the extreme, I must admit that she was very helpful and gave many families faster closure than otherwise would have occurred. I'm not sure what will happen to Morgan now, whether she has other family to go to or how well she will be able to heal and move on from this tragedy, but the Alliance should keep track of her. She is one amazing young person, and she turns 18 in two years._

"Bitch!" spat Jack in reaction to the last sentences. "Talk about callous! Already counting down until she can enlist! And I can't believe her father did the exact same thing her mother did."

"It is probable that the two of them had discussed slaver raids and other risks of colony life in the Traverse," Thane suggested thoughtfully. "I believe their actions were a preplanned response to an extreme threat."

"But returning to what you asked earlier, Grunt, about cowardice," he continued. "Shepard's rifle skills were her mother's and sister's one real chance at survival, as her mother must have been aware. But Hannah Shepard sacrificed her own life rather than ask her daughter to use those skills and risk being discovered. That Shepard survives today is her mother's doing."

"Well, her father is the one who taught her to use that rifle," Garrus returned. "And what he did—helping a group of civilians survive that long against batarians—that's pretty incredible. Shepard obviously inherited more than her red hair from him."

"A fair point," Thane agreed.

"Callous or not," Samara said, going back to Jack's complaint, "Captain Walters' recommendation was also potentially to Shepard's advantage."

"Shepard enlisted the day she turned 18," Miranda noted, "and the Alliance paid for her college education. Captain Walters might indeed have focused some Alliance attention on her. Though I'm sure her standardized test scores were sufficiently amazing. I'm not sure why they bothered with college, actually. At 18, she probably could have passed the final exam in any class in any discipline at the master's level, if not higher."

"Well, the Alliance likes credentials," Joker smirked. "Gotta have impressive-looking things to frame and hang on the bulkheads!"

The squad started to relax a bit as the pilot's humor broke some of the tension. "You got that right," Jacob snorted as he stretched and cracked his neck and back, "Alliance loves their official documents with shiny letters and gilt edges."

Then he added more seriously, "Well, now we know the worst of it. And if that's not the worst of it, Miranda, I don't want to hear it. But what are we going to do now?"

Tali had self-consciously jumped away from Garrus a few moments earlier when she suddenly realized who was comforting her. She gave a final sniffle then stated, "I still think my earlier question is one we should try to answer. As horrible as all of that was, Shepard has lived with it for years. Why is it bothering her so much more this year?"

"She did miss the last two anniversaries," Kasumi, now standing again, pointed out. "Maybe she's suffering some weird cumulative effect?"

"Theory unlikely," Mordin objected. "Not supported by medical scan. Phenomenon not described anywhere in research literature."

Thane and Garrus looked at each other in another moment of unspoken communication, then turned to Miranda at the same time. She looked from one to the other and inclined her head in agreement, as if they all shared a mental wavelength.

"I don't think accumulation per se is the problem, Kasumi," she finally said, "but I believe you are on the right track. I'm pretty sure how Shepard spent the last two years has something to do with all this." Various sounds of agreement came from around the table.

"Okay, I can buy that," Zaeed acknowledged. "Dying and coming back to life is pretty goddamn odd and likely to mess with your head. But as Taylor said, what the hell do we do about it?"

"I think," Tali began slowly, looking to Garrus, Joker, Miranda and Thane and getting various encouraging gestures in return, "that we have a birthday party."

* * *

**As always, I would love your feedback! Thank you for reading!**


	4. 1230, Lunch Break

**Note: Okay, things start to lighten up a bit now.**

* * *

1230 AST

Grunt and Zaeed were on their way planetside with their respective mining groups, but all the other squad members sat clustered together in the mess hall. Since finishing the resource scans, Shepard was repeating her earlier disappearing act and had not joined them for lunch. Her team took advantage of her absence.

The overall mood was still relatively subdued, but they now had a plan and could take positive action, something most of them needed as a way to handle the morning's events. Using whispers and passed datapads, they tried to finalize details for that evening's surprise party before the Kopis mission and related assignments took over the rest of the afternoon.

Kasumi had appointed herself head of the party preparations. "Tali, did you talk to Dr. Chakwas?" the thief asked.

"For the second time, yes," Tali replied. "I explained everything and invited her. And the doctor already knows what she's going to bring as a gift. She said she had 'just the perfect thing'."

"And before you ask," Miranda leaned in closer to the two women, "the cake prep is taken care of. Mess Sergeant Gardner has the sketch we did and detailed instructions, but he won't start baking until Shepard is off the ship. He even has a plan for getting the candles we need."

"That's great!" Kasumi enthused quietly. "I need to check with Garrus and Jacob about the decorations and when we'll actually get a chance to put them up."

"I'm still not sure asking them to work together is a good idea," Miranda confessed. "They just ended their feud about armory supplies that had them both so worked up."

"That's what makes it a great idea," Kasumi replied. "It becomes one of the gifts we can give Shepard if they start working together like grown-ups."

"When did you turn into an optimist?" Miranda asked with a small smile.

Tali rejoined the conversation. "I imagine about the time you suggested that Jack handle the music."

Miranda put her head in her hands. "It was the only thing I could think of that she wouldn't say 'no' to."

"I think it was an inspired choice," Kasumi confided, "and Samara will help balance her out and tone things down a bit. Okay, I'm off to talk to Jacob about decorations before the mission briefing starts."

True to her word, the stealth specialist scooted over to where the Cerberus agent was talking with Garrus. She put her hand on his arm and inclined her head toward the elevator, and the two of them started making their way to the conference room. One by one, the other squad members finished their meals and followed. Soon only Garrus and Thane remained behind.

Thane seemed not to have much appetite; his tray was mostly untouched. "I realize you have multiple skills to rely on other than your biotics," Garrus reminded him as he walked over and took a seat across the table, "but it's still not a good idea for you to skip a meal right before a mission. Look what happened on Sanctum. You might end up needing those calories for fuel."

"You are correct," Thane acknowledged with a small sigh and picked up his fork again.

"Of course I'm right. I generally am," Garrus replied smugly before turning serious. "With everything that happened earlier, are you going to be okay?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Thane replied as he ate more from duty than hunger.

"It was definitely rough," the turian rasped, "hearing about Shepard going through all that on top of almost losing her last week. I was grateful to focus on comforting Tali. It made things a little easier for me to handle. But I worried about you for a minute there."

"Thank you for your intervention. I was…struggling," Thane admitted.

"If you don't mind answering," Garrus asked quietly as one talon traced patterns on the tabletop, "why was the idea of Shepard helping with the dead so much worse for you than hearing the earlier parts of the report?"

Thane took a bite, chewed, and swallowed as he gathered his thoughts, then said, "Do not think I disregard her pain, as a child then or as a woman now, but the raiders did what they always do. The attack, the destruction, the loss of her loved ones: yes, those things were hard to hear, but they were not surprising to me. And neither was Shepard's response. She defended herself and protected her family as best she could. She defeated the enemies within her reach, and then she considered the options available to her. To see such early signs of those traits in her that we now take for granted was…enlightening."

He paused briefly before continuing. "And when the Alliance arrived, she was able to awaken from her first encounter with battle sleep and lower her defenses. She was able to admit her physical weakness and ask for help. She could once more rely on others for protection, as a child should be able to do."

Anger again began to color his voice. "And they are now things she has great difficulty doing. Because the Alliance took that vulnerable child and put her to work identifying the bodies of her friends and even her own family. They betrayed her trust. David McIntyre should hope I never meet him."

He took a deep breath and released it slowly. "I do not care that she was 'unusually mature' or that she volunteered. It should never have happened." Thane started to push away the remains of his lunch in disgust until he recalled that he really needed to eat.

"Now, if I may ask you a question?" Thane queried after a bite. When Garrus dipped his head, the drell continued, "This morning, when Shepard was having trouble staying focused, she became…distracted when I put my hands on the table. She stared as if something about them distressed her. But I am sure she has noted the difference between drell and human hands many times before—on missions, during our conversations, and when I assisted Dr. Chakwas after her injury. Do you understand her reaction?"

Garrus was hesitant to answer. Her response could have stemmed from two things he could think of, and Shepard would definitely kill him for discussing her general tendency to stare and blush around Thane. Garrus thought the highly observant drell must have noticed it himself by now. But in any case, given the attack anniversary, he believed his second thought more likely.

"I can't be sure," he began, "but I think your hands simply triggered thoughts of her father. Just a day or two after we recruited you, she told me that you reminded her of him. She described his favorite work gloves, ones he wore so often that her mother teased him about forgetting what his actual skin looked like. They were a heavy fabric, originally green but stained dark in random spots by drops of oil and other substances that wouldn't wash out, and they were reinforced in places prone to wear by dark leather."

"So you believe it was just similarity prompting memory?" Thane asked without making eye contact. The worry that he might have overstepped a boundary with Shepard while she was on pain meds after her surgery would not leave him. Since then, neither of them had broached the subject of what she did or did not remember about that night, though their regular chats continued. "As opposed to distaste…."

"Uh, no," Garrus jumped in, starting to chuckle as his friend's eyes lifted. "I'm pretty certain Shepard is not repelled by your hands. We already know she prefers your arms." The chuckle deepened when the corner of Thane's mouth kicked up into a half smile.

"We need to head to the conference room in a little bit, but I wanted to ask one more thing," Garrus stated. The turian looked at the drell with concern. "Miranda was right about the downside of how your memories work. I noticed it myself on the shuttle as we left Sanctum. How will you handle everything we learned?"

"Will you ever forget what you heard today?" Thane asked with honest curiosity.

Garrus was silent for a moment. "I won't ever forget the information itself, but the powerful impact it had today will fade for me. Eventually I'll stop feeling like a krogan head-butted my gut every time I think of it."

Thane nodded his understanding. "As you say, my memory is different. I forget nothing, but some recollections are more powerful than others. It depends on how many of my senses are involved and the intensity of any emotions produced in the moment. Earlier, you mentioned my difficulty controlling my reactions to what I heard this morning. The emotions I felt then will always be tied to my new knowledge of this attack, and they will never fade."

"But two things will make recalling it easier to endure," he continued. "The first is that only my hearing was engaged by EDI's recitation of facts, and her voice is rather soothing. The few attack holos Miranda called up were of the aftermath and none featured Shepard. Powerful images are most difficult for me to block, so I am thankful that Cerberus did not obtain any live vid of the actual raid or that Miranda chose not to share it, whichever is true. And scent, touch, and taste were not triggered at all by the text and holos."

"The second is that I did not live or re-live the actual attack," Thane explained. "My experience was the same as yours: hearing EDI read a report. So my memory of this morning's events will not be of the attack, but rather of being in the conference room hearing a report on the attack. And many things happened in that room today besides EDI's narration of events, things more real and potent in my memory than the report itself."

Thane paused for a moment, considering his next words. "My memory of this morning includes you, Tali, Miranda and the rest of the squad. I see all the faces and expressions, hear changing pitches, tones and emotions. I smell Miranda's perfume, Grunt's failure to shower, the chemical traces on Mordin's lab coat, and the gun oil both you and Jacob used before the meeting. I feel the rising temperature of the room as the team becomes more upset, the solidity of the table I lean on, and the pounding of my own heartbeat. I can even taste the tea I was not sure would stay down once the revelations started. All of it is vivid and present to me in a way the report itself could not be."

"Most importantly," he concluded, "my recollection will always include the various reactions you and the squad expressed. The shock, the pain, the anger, the grief—it was raw and intense and almost overwhelming. But it was all felt on Shepard's behalf in a unified display of support for her and her struggle. That display will make this new knowledge bearable."

Garrus nodded and stood to begin moving toward the elevator. "I appreciate you sharing your memory with me. And I hadn't thought of the team's responses in that way. It's helpful, seeing it from that perspective. Maybe this squad will manage to come together into a cohesive unit after all."

He glanced at Thane as his friend cleared his lunch things and saw the drell's amused smirk. Garrus snarked, "And don't go into 'wise philosopher' mode on me just because I admitted you were helpful. You didn't even know you were going to say that insightful stuff at the end until you said it."

"And yet I did say it," was Thane's serene reply. "And you did not."

Garrus muttered and Thane's quiet pleasure thrummed all the way to the conference room.

* * *

**As always, I would love your feedback! Thank you for reading!**


	5. 2030, Commander's Quarters

**Note: Shepard is not herself, and some f-bombs ensue. Also possible triggers with references to loved ones and gunshot wounds.**

* * *

2030 AST

Shepard paced her room like a caged animal. She couldn't settle down, certainly couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't THINK. She had felt this way since waking in the middle of the night about 65 hours earlier. She was getting by, barely, on catnaps. The old nightmare was back. She knew it would return—it was The Anniversary. Or maybe it returned because she expected it to? She didn't know. And this year, it was worse than ever. She just couldn't think straight and nothing made sense. All she knew was that her brain was on constant rewind to the events 15 years earlier, and she couldn't stop it.

She had dreaded the morning briefing, afraid she wouldn't be able to pull herself together enough to make it through, but she thought she had done okay. The afternoon session had been a little easier. She was able, at least for a while, to force her mind to focus on the mission.

The resource scanning in between had been hard: it was boring work anyway, and her attention kept going to the images of Trident—another happy, fairly prosperous human colony. How long before its peace would be shattered? But she got the work done and even managed to get the mining teams sent off a little earlier than expected.

The mission on Kopis had also gone well enough, though it was indeed a recovery rather than a rescue. And going by the datapad she found near O'Loy's body, another daughter had lost a loving father. Granted, he was apparently a messed up and indoctrinated father, but he had clearly loved his little girl and tried to protect her. Would that daughter ever know? Would she understand his intentions and actions? Or would she feel like he had abandoned her?

Hell, getting her brain overloaded by yet another damn prothean artifact had actually been a bit of a relief. For a little while, the chaos in her head hadn't been Mindoir, burning buildings, and destroyed families. Not that the prothean images were much cheerier. And the way the artifact took her consciousness captive for those few minutes had rattled Thane and Tali, so afterward they had hustled her back to the ship, wanting Chakwas to check her out. But she knew no doctor could fix this. So she had been up here since, pacing.

She couldn't stop thinking that she shouldn't be alive. She should have died when everyone she loved was killed, when everything she knew went up in flames. Instead she was a Mindoir survivor. And the Alliance thought she had somehow distinguished herself and paid her way through college.

She should have died on Akuze, when those damn thresher maws dragged down or tore through every member of her platoon—50 good marines, every one of them gone except her. Instead she was the Sole Survivor. And the Alliance gave her medals and commendations and a fucking promotion because she had simply failed to die. Even discovering that Toombs had somehow lived through the attack didn't help much, as his reward for surviving was years of Cerberus experimentation and torture.

She hated the very word "survivor."

And then the Collector attack. Another 21 gone, Pressley and the others, all honorable, dedicated men and women. And the Normandy itself, the first place she had felt at home in more than a decade, disintegrating around her. She should have died, too. She had. And that had been right.

But then Cerberus, and the Illusive Man, and the goddamn Lazarus Project—they had gotten their hands on her. And thus the new ending to the old nightmare. Seeing the row of covered bodies. Recognizing the newly-revealed body as her beloved father, with an obscene hole in the side of his head. Asking the Alliance marine to pull back the sheet over the next body, already knowing she will find Caitlyn lying next to their father.

But the body under the sheet isn't Caitlyn; it's her, Morgan, with a bullet hole in her temple. And in earlier years, seeing herself dead in her sister's place terrified her, would wake her, sweat-drenched and heart pounding.

Now it felt right, because she should be dead. She should be with her family and the marines of her first command and the crew of the first Normandy. Now the more terrifying twist of the nightmare is that she doesn't stay dead. Even with the bullet hole, even when her body morphs into adult form, with all the damage she knows she took after being spaced and falling through low grav to Alchera's surface, her eyes open.

And then she wakes from the nightmare, screaming.

She shouldn't be alive.

She just fucking shouldn't be alive.

But…she was startled to realize she could have died again as recently as nine days ago, when that damn mech blew up on Sanctum. She wouldn't have survived the injuries if not for Garrus, Thane, and Chakwas. When she made herself think about it, she was glad they had pulled her through. If she hadn't made it…they would have blamed themselves. And each of them would have mourned, in their own way. Tali and Joker too, she was sure. Maybe even some of the newer team members.

It was really weird to remember that her closest friends had already been through one funeral for her. An empty casket to honor an absent Shepard. On Horizon Kaidan had seemed pretty shaken up about her death, even while thinking she had betrayed him and the Alliance. She could only imagine what she had put Garrus and the others through.

She didn't want to cause anyone grief. She didn't want to die. She wanted…she wanted to see her friends in old age, after living long, happy lives. She was just so tired. She desperately needed to shut down the spinning wheels in her head so she could think. No, not think—rest. Rest without waking up screaming. What was it Hamlet said? "To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub."

Sounded like Shakespeare knew a thing or two about death and nightmares.

EDI's voice broke the heavy silence in the commander's quarters: "Shepard, Ms. Lawson wishes to speak with you."

Shepard stopped pacing and pinched the bridge of her nose. "EDI, I left explicit instructions that I was not to be disturbed unless the ship came under attack—and possibly not even then. I locked my door. I even told you to disable the elevator's ability to come up to this level so Garrus, Tali or Kasumi could not hack the door."

"And I complied, Shepard." EDI commented in her soothing voice. "You should be aware, however, that both Kasumi and Thane could still easily access this level and even your quarters through the ship's ventilation system and maintenance hatches."

"Thank you for that information, EDI. I'll have to think up booby traps for the vents the next time I want to be alone. Now please tell Miranda to go away. I'll talk to her tomorrow. Maybe."

EDI paused for a moment and then replied, "According to my calculations, the odds are extremely low that Ms. Lawson will accept that reply or discontinue her attempts at contact."

Shepard just stood for a minute, feeling trapped and knowing she had nowhere to go. "You're right, damn it," she admitted, running her hands through her hair in frustration. "Okay, I'll ping her."

The commander knew she looked very un-commander-like at the moment, so she made a quick visit to her bathroom to splash some water on her face and run a brush through her hair. She still didn't look like herself, but it was an improvement. At least she no longer looked like she needed to be committed somewhere. Then she wondered why it mattered.

Shepard activated her omnitool and fiddled for a minute before finally sending a message to Miranda. A mini vid screen projection opened almost immediately.

"I'm glad you responded, Shepard," a worried-looking Miranda confessed.

"Look, it hasn't been a great day, Miranda," Shepard acknowledged. "What do you need?"

Miranda winced at the commander's flat tone. "Something has come up, something mission critical. I can't transmit it, and I can't hand carry it. You need to come down to my quarters so we can confer."

"Can't it wait until morning?" Shepard sighed, again pinching the bridge of her nose.

"No, Commander. I'm sorry, it can't." Miranda sounded and looked regretful that the discussion couldn't be delayed.

Shepard had come to trust the Cerberus operative more than she ever thought she would. The two of them had even bonded somewhat over the mission to protect Miranda's younger sister. "Alright, give me five minutes to clean up and change so I won't scare anyone when I leave my quarters, and I'll meet you on the crew deck."

"Thank you, Commander," she replied just before Shepard terminated the comm link and the vid screen shut down.

* * *

**As always, I would love your feedback! Thank you for reading!**


	6. 2055, Surprise!

**Note: The crew tries to surprise their commander.**

* * *

2055 AST

Down on the crew deck, Miranda closed her eyes and sighed; she just wasn't sure this plan was going to work. Still, she went out her door and said to the group in the mess area, "We are good to go. She'll be here in about five minutes."

A muted cheer from a few voices almost drowned out the second part of her announcement. "I can't promise she'll be happy, though. She looks exhausted."

"We'll raise her spirits, Miranda," Kasumi decreed with confidence. The entire squad was present, plus Dr. Chakwas, Joker, and Kelly Chambers. The stealth specialist did a final sweep of the mess hall and galley and declared the party ready to start. "The only thing left to do is for everyone to hide."

"Hide?" asked Garrus with a startled flare of his mandibles, and the other non-human team members looked equally astonished.

"Yes, hide," Kasumi insisted. "This party is supposed to be a surprise. If she sees us all gathered here, she'll turn around and head right back up the elevator. We have to wait until she's well into the mess hall and then we can jump out."

"It's an ambush!" Grunt suddenly realized with a grin. "Heh, heh, heh. You humans have weird parties."

"Okay, 'ambush' works. But no weapons," Kasumi added, in case Grunt needed the clarification. "Everyone get somewhere nearby but out of sight. When I shout 'now,' jump out of hiding and yell 'surprise'. Got it? Then go!" Everyone obediently scattered. The thief told EDI to turn down the lights in the mess hall, and then she switched on her tactical cloak.

A few minutes later, the elevator doors opened and Shepard stepped out in her usual BDUs, automatically turning right to head toward Miranda's office. As she neared the open mess area, she noticed the low illumination and thought it odd; the ship's night cycle wouldn't kick in for several more hours. She walked closer to the galley countertop and was about to call on EDI when a voice nearby said "Now!"

The lights came up, and crew members yelling "Surprise!" suddenly appeared from everywhere: under the mess tables, behind the countertop, along the walkway leading to the forward battery, in the shadows of the empty med bay. Or from nowhere, as Kasumi, Thane and Samara could apparently pull off. At first Shepard was so stunned that she felt surrounded by a huge crowd, but then she realized she was looking at her squad, with a few additional guests.

Miranda, who had calmly entered the mess hall from her office—no undignified hiding for her—took in Shepard's shell-shocked face. Before the commander could recover enough to leave, Miranda put a hand on her arm. "This is all for you, Shepard," she explained, with just a hint of pleading in her voice. "You are our mission-critical concern."

Garrus continued the explanations. "We could all tell that you were struggling today. Probably the last few days, actually." He exhaled slowly, unsure of her reaction to the next revelation. "So I told the squad about the Mindoir anniversary."

"I was actually the first one to mention the date," Tali confessed, wanting to share the burden and any consequences with Garrus.

"And I was there, too," Joker added. "Everyone was pretty worried about you, and the entire squad ended up talking about it."

Miranda again stepped in. "So I authorized EDI to release an Alliance report Cerberus had obtained that gave everyone some details of what happened on Mindoir. To you, to your family, to your home and friends. And we all agreed that we wanted to give you the same support you have offered to every one of us."

Shepard was dumbfounded. She wanted to be angry, wanted to be absolutely furious, but as she looked from face to face to face, the rage just wouldn't come. Thane's low voice thrummed soothingly, "You have wrestled with these memories for a long time, Si-…Shepard. We cannot lift them from you, but you do not need to bear them alone."

The commander was silent for a long moment. "I guess I must have been pretty out of it today not to notice something was up with you guys," she finally admitted with a sigh. Then she took a deep breath and visibly loosened her neck, shoulders and arms. "So, what comes next?"

"I think you just need to unwind a bit with some music and conversation," Kasumi decided. "Then later we have a cake and gifts ready."

"Cake? Gifts?" Shepard lifted a quizzical eyebrow. "How did you manage all this in one day?"

"Come on, Shep," Kasumi teased. "You are assembling the galaxy's best. You don't think we can organize a simple party on short notice?"

Turning her attention to Jack, Kasumi requested, "How about some music?"

Jack looked to Samara, who nodded calmly in return, before responding, "Kick-ass party music coming up!" And after a few key taps on her omnitool, the mess hall filled with a techno dance beat, as if everyone had suddenly been transported to Afterlife or the Dark Star. And the prickly biotic even kept the volume low enough to allow conversation.

In response to the many disbelieving stares sent her way, Jack muttered, "Hey, I can make nice. And I know the old men," here she tossed a dismissive sniff toward Garrus and Thane, "don't like my good stuff."

"This is great!" Kasumi acknowledged, going over to Jack and urging her into the middle of the room. The two of them then made the open area between the mess tables and the forward battery steps an impromptu dance floor. Samara and Kelly soon joined them.

Now that the initial shock had worn off, Shepard noticed details she had missed at first. The mess hall was actually decorated with some colorful streamers and even a few balloons. She wondered where someone could have possibly gotten them. Nearly everyone was dressed up just a little bit, in an alternate outfit or with an extra splash of color added to their usual attire. Even Grunt had apparently showered and cleaned his armor.

And now that she had agreed to stay, everyone seemed at ease. Jack and Miranda were in the same room but weren't glaring at each other. Jacob was talking to Garrus and Thane—almost certainly about weapons of some kind, she was sure, but still, they were conversing with no visible tension. One of Zaeed's stories had Grunt chortling his distinctive, "Heh, heh, heh." Mordin was chatting with Dr. Chakwas about music and theater rather than medical research.

Shepard felt a soft touch on her left arm and turned her head to find Tali standing beside her. Her quarian friend seemed a little uncomfortable, glancing down at the floor before looking straight ahead at the dancers. "Are you mad at us? At me?" Tali asked in a low voice. "You were so obviously distressed this morning, but you had never talked about the anniversary with any of us. We didn't want to invade your privacy, but we didn't know how to help, and—"

"It's okay, Tali, really," came Shepard's gentle reply. "Not sharing the details before, it wasn't lack of trust or anything like that. You and Garrus and Joker—Dr. Chakwas, too—you're the closest thing I have to family now. I just didn't think anyone else needed to have my bad memories in their heads. That's the only thing that upsets me, that all of you are now saddled with some nasty stuff that none of you need to be lugging around."

Tali tilted her head to rest on Shepard's shoulder and put an arm around her waist, giving her friend a light squeeze. "But you have been carrying it for years by yourself. You're not alone, Shepard. Please don't ever forget that."

"I won't, Tali," she promised, putting an arm around Tali's waist and squeezing back.

As the next hour passed, Shepard made sure she gave similar reassurance to Garrus, Joker and Miranda. And she circulated, trying to have a brief conversation with everyone and finding herself relaxing more and more. Jack actually got her out on the dance floor briefly before admitting that the team was right: Shepard was even worse at dancing than piloting the Hammerhead.

"Hey, everybody! Cake time!" Kasumi announced, encouraging the partygoers to gather around the mess hall tables.

"When do we get to set it on fire?" Grunt demanded. He had enjoyed that detail when he first learned of it.

After the laughter died down, Kasumi answered from behind the galley counter, "Getting it ready now, Grunt. Someone make Shepard stand or sit somewhere central, where even petite people like me can see."

"Got her in position, Kasumi," Garrus called. "We're ready when you are."

"Great! EDI, please dim the lights about 50%," Kasumi asked. When the lights went down, she lifted the cake with its lit candles and began carrying it to the table where Shepard sat.

Unexpectedly, Jacob started singing "Happy Birthday" in a pleasant baritone, and the other humans quickly added their voices. The non-humans unfamiliar with the song picked up on the simple melody and words, and most had joined in by the last line. With a flourish, Kasumi set the cake down in front of their commander just as everyone hit the final "happy birthday to you."

Shepard just stared in appreciation at the surprisingly artistic cake. "Come on, Shep," Kasumi nudged, "You know what to do. Make a wish and blow out the candles."

"You spread them out over three levels on a pretty big cake," Shepard responded. "I don't think I have the lung capacity to get them all in one breath."

"Getting old on us, Commander?" Garrus teased. "We're all here to help if we have to. I mean, we're already used to rescuing you when you get in over your head on missions. This isn't much different." Giggles and snickers from around the room greeted his taunt.

"Fifty credits says I can do it, Vakarian," Shepard replied, never one to back down from her best friend's challenges.

"You're on," he answered. "Just do it before the candles melt all over the cake. Putting them out that way would be cheating."

"Alright, everybody, give me a countdown," Shepard requested. And when the crew got down to "One!" she blew out every candle with no difficulty.

"Ha, she got you, Garrus!" Joker crowed. "She set you up, and you walked right into it."

"Well, it is her birthday party," Garrus countered, unconcerned. "I had to give her a gift of some kind."

"What was your wish, Shepard?" Tali asked.

"That I'd make an easy 50 credits off of Garrus, obviously," she replied with a self-satisfied smile at the turian.

"I believe the commander won that exchange," Thane needled Garrus good-naturedly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he admitted. "She can be the reigning queen of smug for tonight. But I'll show no mercy tomorrow."

Miranda waited for the joking to reach an end before explaining, "Mess Sergeant Gardner made this lovely cake, Shepard, based on a sketch that Tali and I put together. The layers and the candles are arranged this way for a reason, and we wanted to tell you about it before we cut it up."

Shepard had noticed that the three layers of the cake were stacked differently than she was used to. For one thing, the layers were different sizes, more like a small wedding cake than one for a birthday. But instead of each layer being centered on the one below, all three layers were lined up along one edge, creating a look more like a terraced hillside. The arrangement created larger open areas on the bottom and middle layers, and those spaces held most of the candles.

"This bottom layer," Tali began, "has 16 candles, for the years you spent on Mindoir. Being a colony kid helped form who you are now. And despite all you lost there, you still carry the most important things with you: your love for your family and friends, and your memories of them all. And you have the growing and learning that developed your brain and spirit. You have such a deep core of compassion and respect for life, Shepard, and it all goes back to Mindoir. It is part of everything you do, all the friendships you form, all the lives and souls you try to save. You should always remember and honor that legacy."

Garrus cleared his throat and then took over. "The middle layer has 12 candles, for your years with the Alliance. First as a ward of the state on Arcturus, then as a young but gifted marine, and finally as a seasoned commander who pieced together an amazing team and took down Saren and Sovereign."

"Again you suffered hard losses," he continued, "on Akuze and on Virmire. But those fallen colleagues would have wanted you to keep fighting. And you did, eventually saving the Citadel and millions of lives. If you had not stopped the Reapers then, none of us would be here now, and the losses would number in the trillions."

The turian's subharmonics resonated with emotion as he concluded, "And then, just a month after that great victory, you sacrificed yourself to save your crew as the Normandy exploded around you. Those are years to honor and remember, Shepard."

No one said a word as Joker moved forward just enough to place his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Thank you, Commander, from me and from the rest of the original Normandy crew."

"This top layer is the hardest to talk about," Miranda admitted, her eyes searching Shepard's. "Right now, as you can see, it only has one candle. And it is an important one. It represents this birthday right now and all the things you have accomplished since you woke up in our lab less than three months ago. It is your new beginning. It hasn't been easy for you, I know, but you have handled the unthinkable in a way I don't believe anyone else could have, with grace, humor, persistence, and occasionally sheer stubbornness." Quiet laughter greeted her description. "But all these candles only add up to 29; there's two missing."

Kasumi added two more candles to the top of the cake, and Miranda resumed. "It might seem strange to honor two years you spent unconscious, in limbo. But in those years, especially once we made a few breakthroughs, you started fighting to live, struggling to become aware. Twice you actually started waking up far too early for your healing body to handle."

"That's when I was sure we were on the right track to bringing you back exactly as you had been," she declared, "because you wouldn't stop fighting. Those two years are what make today possible. And though you don't remember them, your spirit, your…essence was always there, waiting for your chance to wake up and get back to being the remarkable woman you are. They are years to honor, Shepard."

Shepard found she couldn't speak without risking tears, so she simply reached out, took her XO's hand, and squeezed it. Miranda, looking a little teary-eyed herself, nodded and squeezed back.

"You know, this is great and all," Joker huffed, though even his voice sounded a little thick, "but how about we eat that cake and get to the presents."

"Agreed," Shepard and Miranda said simultaneously, equally uncomfortable with their emotions on display, and the room exploded into laughter.

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**As always, I would love your feedback! Thank you for reading!**


	7. 2230, And the End of a Very Long Day

**Note: The party continues with gifts for the commander, and Shepard has some interesting conversations with Thane, Mordin, and Miranda.**

* * *

2230 AST

Dr. Chakwas announced, "I want to give my gift first, and then I'll use my surgery skills to cut up the cake for everyone. Plus, if Shepard is feeling generous, my gift can be consumed along with the cake." She then presented the mostly-full bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy to Shepard, minus only the few small drinks the two of them had shared after the Normandy's first trip to Omega.

As the doctor dismantled the cake and distributed slices, and Garrus grabbed some dextro chocolate from his quarters to share with Tali, Shepard worked her way through more gifts from her team. Kelly gave her a card that included an offer to feed her fish when Shepard was off ship. Jacob also gave her a card, with a promise written inside to consult Garrus on mods and upgrades for "demanding users in need of peak performance." Shepard laughed and thanked them both.

Samara offered to tutor her in asari guided meditation techniques to help Shepard when she had difficulty sleeping. On the opposite side of the spectrum, Jack said she had put her personal music collection into open share status on the Normandy's network so the commander could access it whenever she wanted to.

Kasumi's gift was one of her treasured printed books, _A Tale of Two Cities_ by Charles Dickens. Shepard said it was far too expensive for her to accept, but the thief insisted. "It's not like I paid for it, Shep," she giggled.

Zaeed gave her a holo photograph frame, "seeing as how we'll probably end up posing for group pictures before the night is over." He also admitted that he had taken the shuttle on a side trip to Trident's major city at the conclusion of his group's excavation. He was the one who had managed to find the streamers, balloons, and candles.

"Me next," insisted Grunt, and he presented Shepard with a 12-inch diameter geode his resource team had found that day. One of the miners had split it open, and Grunt had been amazed at the crystal formations in various shades of blue hidden inside what had seemed to be just another rock. He held Shepard's gaze as he explained, "It's like you're always trying to teach me. I can be the toughest warrior on the outside, and that might be all most people will ever see, but I can be many other things on the inside."

"The geode is beautiful, Grunt," Shepard told him, "but what you just described is an even better gift." The krogan grinned bashfully and scuffed his feet.

Joker's gift left Shepard unsure whether to laugh or cry: he gave her one of his extra SR-2 ball caps. "Because," he admitted with a smirk, "the Normandy is part yours, too."

Tali told Shepard her gift had been ordered but couldn't be picked up until their next trip to the Citadel. "It's a model of a quarian liveship for your collection," she explained. "I'd love to help you put it together."

"It's a date, Tali," Shepard smiled.

"If that's what you're saying to Tali, then what are you going to say to me?" Garrus asked. "I was planning to take you to dinner when we next hit the Citadel. My treat."

"Your treat, really?" Shepard quizzed, "I don't believe it."

"It's not that rare, is it?" he teased back. "Yes, of course, my treat."

"Deal," she declared.

"If that's all the presents, then let's get back to moving!" shouted Jack. Just like that, more than half the group was swaying and gyrating in what little open space the mess hall offered. Zaeed had even pulled Chakwas away from the cake and into the crowd of dancers. Shepard bet that the Serrice Ice Brandy and some additional alcoholic beverages were indeed being consumed.

Suddenly Thane was sitting next to her, one hand resting palm down on the table between them. He waited until her eyes met his and then said, "I am sorry I do not have a gift for you." His gravelly voice seemed to drop to an even lower pitch than usual, one Shepard almost felt more than heard. "I do not have anything to give that is not already yours for the asking."

For a heart-stopping instant, they simply gazed at each other. "Thane," she started, with a small smile, "you've already given me more than you know." She placed her hand lightly on top of his. After a few seconds, he flipped his hand palm up under hers and slowly interlaced their fingers. The fit was a little awkward at first because of his fused digits, but Shepard was pretty sure she could get used to it.

"Um, I'm not sure how to ask this," she began, suddenly shy. "But last week, after my surgery, did you use my first name? When I'm on that pain med Chakwas invented for me, I lose track of what I dreamed and what might have really happened."

"I did call you Morgan," he admitted. "It seemed…right, at the time. I apologize if I overstepped—"

"No, you didn't," Shepard broke in. "Overstep, I mean." She dropped her eyes to their linked hands. "I…very much want you to use my first name. When we're talking in life support, I like to think that Morgan is the one visiting you, not Commander Shepard."

Thane used his free hand to gently lift her chin until her eyes met his. "I am honored, Morgan," he stated, his dark gaze solemn. "Thank you."

"Thank you, Thane," she whispered. "You just gave me a wonderful birthday gift."

At that moment Mordin walked up. "Gift for you, Shepard. Now seems best time."

Thane squeezed her hand softly before releasing it. He stood and offered Mordin a polite nod before giving the scientist some privacy with Shepard.

"Have pills for you," Mordin lectured. "Combination of herbal supplements to help human chemistry handle drell chemistry."

"Chemistry?" Shepard was confused. "What are you talking about, Mordin?"

"Not blind, Shepard," the former STG agent scolded her. "Saw you just now. Observed you together number of times over past weeks. Nothing to be ashamed of. Need for stress relief normal."

"Mordin!" Shepard protested, knowing she was flushing pink if not red. Even her ears felt like they were burning. "I really don't know what you mean. What do I need the pills for?"

"Ah, taking things slow. Wise," he said. "But will need pills soon, I believe. Oral contact with drell skin oils and saliva can cause hallucinations in humans. Take one pill a day, will help your body adapt, reduce reaction. Come see me when you want more information. Happy birthday, Shepard. Enjoy yourself while you can."

The commander was still confused. _Oral contact with skin oils and saliva…? Oh, damn. He means….I am definitely slow on the uptake today._ She was sure her face was fire-engine red by now.

As Mordin moved on to chat with Samara, Shepard glanced around hoping no one else—especially Thane or Garrus—had been close enough to overhear the medical advice over the beat of the dance music. She seemed to be in the clear. With relief, she stuffed the bottle of pills into a pocket. Then she put her head down over her arms on the table top and waited for the embarrassment to fade. She wasn't sure what the xenobiology expert meant by observing her and Thane together. They were just colleagues who were becoming good friends, right? Like her and Garrus. There hadn't been anything for anyone to "observe," had there?

Sure, Thane made her feel…fluttery inside, especially when he had carried and held her after her surgery. And when he studied her with those big dark eyes, with his lips quirked just a bit. But that didn't mean he…that he might…did it? Damn, she really didn't want to ask Garrus about this; that smacked of junior high school all over again. Maybe she should start taking the pills, just in case. Head still down, Shepard smiled into the table top.

"Tired, Commander?" Miranda asked from behind her. "I know it's been a long few days."

"No, I'm fine," Shepard responded, lifting her head. "I'm trying to wrap my mind around a very strange conversation I had with Mordin a minute ago."

"Good luck with that," the Cerberus operative smiled. "If you don't mind, would you step around the corner with me? My birthday gift requires some explanation best done in private."

Curious, Shepard followed Miranda into her office, where they each took a chair. "Kelly mentioned to me about two weeks ago that you received a disturbing message from a Corporal Toombs, someone who had served in your unit on Akuze."

"When I first heard the reports nearly three years ago about an Akuze survivor accusing Cerberus scientists of torturing him, I didn't want to believe it. It was easier to think that severe PTSD was making him delusional," Miranda admitted. "I have no trouble believing that Cerberus would set up a research station to passively watch and record thresher maws attacking any victims that came too close. But to conduct active observation by deliberately drawing in dozens of human victims? I couldn't accept that. Despite what I owe to Cerberus and to The Illusive Man, I'm not blind or stupid. So I went digging, very carefully and quietly, making sure I left no back trail."

"I uncovered proof that everything Toombs claimed is true," she stated starkly. "But it was worse than even he knew. The Illusive Man has people placed in planetary colonization organizations, and they were given orders to hide an early exploration's discovery of the thresher maw species and to make Akuze look more suitable for settlement than it was. They even chose the initial habitation site for the first pioneer teams, specifically so those teams would be in close proximity to the maw nests, with scientists already in place to observe the results."

She continued, "As you know, those teams were completely wiped out. But the pioneers were civilians. How would the maws fare against trained soldiers? And so Cerberus worked through its Alliance contacts to make sure at least a full platoon of marines was sent to investigate. Through fate, chance, or just bad luck, the assignment was given to your platoon, your first command."

"I have all the data assembled, with names, dates, and every bit of corroborating evidence I could find," Miranda concluded. "I wanted to let you know that I'm sending it to the Alliance group investigating Corporal Toombs' accusations against Dr. Wayne, the only surviving Cerberus scientist from the study. I also plan to send a copy directly to Toombs, with some hints that the evidence comes from you, if you are okay with that plan. I know his message accused you of betraying him and the rest of your unit because of your current connection with Cerberus. He needs to know that isn't true."

"Miranda," Shepard began and then hesitated. "I don't know what to say. I appreciate all the effort you put into this, but I don't want you to risk your relationship with Cerberus. I know it is important to you in ways that go beyond interesting and challenging employment. The Illusive Man is the one who keeps your sister hidden from your father."

"I realize that, of course," Miranda answered. "But I have taken every precaution, erased every possible way my investigation could be traced back to me. And I laid a few false trails. You know I wouldn't risk Oriana, Shepard. I truly believe this is safe."

Shepard smiled at her XO. "This is just incredible, Miranda. You found answers to questions that have haunted me for nearly a decade. I don't know how to even begin thanking you for that. And to help Toombs obtain justice…and through him, the rest of my squad…I'm grateful, Miranda. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Shepard," she replied with a genuine smile. "Now shall we go enjoy your party?"

The celebration continued for another two hours before it started showing signs of winding down. When Shepard saw some stretching and yawning, and more than a little staggering, she knew it was time to say good night.

"Thank you, all of you, for a wonderful birthday party," she said as she looked around the room at the faces of her team members. She took a deep breath and blinked back any tell-tale moisture. "I know I'll never forget the losses this day has always represented for me, but you have balanced them out with reminders of what I have gained. You are the best crew—the best family—I could ever want."

"But we're still badasses, right?" Jack challenged, with a look caught somewhere between her trademark sneer and a grin. "Shepard's badasses!"

"Damn straight," Shepard shot back. "Every one of you is mad, bad, and dangerous to know! The Collectors won't know what hit them!"

The room erupted into festive mayhem for a solid minute, with the occasional "ooh-rah!" and "fuck yeah!" interspersed among wholehearted laughter and general back-slapping.

A warm hand settled on Shepard's right shoulder from behind her, and a low voice rumbled into her ear alone, "Should I let them know that you have just compared them to an old Earth Romantic poet?"

Shepard glanced back over her shoulder to focus on Thane's lips curved into a small smile. "No, I don't think I want you to mention that detail." Finally, she gave him the response he'd been hoping for all evening: she grinned as if she didn't have a care in the world. And then she reached up, grabbed his hand from her shoulder, and pulled him with her into the center of the noisy celebration.

* * *

**Thank you again for reading! And please leave a comment if you any suggestions. I'd love to hear from you.**

**This storyline continues in "Traps and Trust." (WIP, should be posted in a week or two)**


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